Conflicting opinions: An Article for Caregivers
Starting when my sister was first diagnosed with autism, all the way leading to the present, my mother has always been inundated by well-intended (and often unnecessary) advice about my sister's diagnosis. When you're in this position, it can be hard to know who to listen to when you receive conflicting opinions, particularly when you may be made to feel as though you're a bad parent should you not listen to their advice. To help prevent other parents from feeling this way and sort out this tangle of opinions, here's a hierarchy that my family has generally followed in the past, which may work for you, too. It essentially goes like this - the opinions of those with relevant professional experience or who know your child more should be given more weight than that of those who have neither. Hopefully this will help give you the support and encouragement to follow the path that's right for your family.
Less weight: Extended Family/Family Friends > Coworkers.
While coworkers may try to weigh in on the situation, as people who don't know your child and have no relevant training, feel free to ignore their advice if you don't think it's relevant. As to extended family and family friends, while they likely know your child better, they still don't have any training or enough experience with your child to really contribute to the decision.
More weight: Psychologist > Close family > Your child's teachers.
Your child's teachers, having interacted with your child in an academic setting, likely have useful advice to give as to whether your child can go on. However, since teachers have only known your child a year, close family members' advice should be given more weight (with your own opinion, as the parent, given the most weight). Even more weight, naturally, goes to a psychologist, whose assessment comes from a position of training and understanding of autism.
That said, all opinions, even those of the psychologist, should be taken with a grain of salt. In my sister's case, the psychologist said that she should live at home and go to a community college (and thought her prospects for independence were dim, at best). Due to my advocacy (as close family, I got more weight) and home circumstances, my sister ended up going away to university despite this. Now she's the happiest I've ever seen her, doing well in her classes and quite independent, which has made my mother ecstatic, to say the least. (Read A Mother's Story for more on that front.) Why did that discrepancy exist? I think what happened was that the psychologist didn't see who my sister really was - he saw the autism profile he expected to see. After all, there's only so much that you can uncover about a person in a short hour. So please remember this story if your psychologist says something similar to you; their word is not your child's destiny.
Your opinion as a caregiver:
As your child's foremost advocate, your own opinion should matter a whole lot in decisions. You should definitely listen to feedback from close family, psychologists, and teachers, but don't forget to factor your own opinion into the equation.
Often forgotten in this discussion: The weight of your child's opinion
Your child's opinion (naturally, depending on age/ability to express an opinion) should be given a great deal of weight. In the inundation of opinions, sometimes your child's can get drowned out, but their opinion really should be considered, with more weight given the older they become. Naturally, while a three year old's opinion should be taken into consideration (should they communicate or you otherwise be able to discern one you think they would express if they could), an eighteen year old's opinion should be given more weight. Between trying to figure out what your child would want, should you be able to, and balancing their desires with the advice you're getting from others, it may not always be easy to include their wishes in the decision. But it is what is right and what is easy rarely overlap, and this is another one of those cases.
Good luck!
Less weight: Extended Family/Family Friends > Coworkers.
While coworkers may try to weigh in on the situation, as people who don't know your child and have no relevant training, feel free to ignore their advice if you don't think it's relevant. As to extended family and family friends, while they likely know your child better, they still don't have any training or enough experience with your child to really contribute to the decision.
More weight: Psychologist > Close family > Your child's teachers.
Your child's teachers, having interacted with your child in an academic setting, likely have useful advice to give as to whether your child can go on. However, since teachers have only known your child a year, close family members' advice should be given more weight (with your own opinion, as the parent, given the most weight). Even more weight, naturally, goes to a psychologist, whose assessment comes from a position of training and understanding of autism.
That said, all opinions, even those of the psychologist, should be taken with a grain of salt. In my sister's case, the psychologist said that she should live at home and go to a community college (and thought her prospects for independence were dim, at best). Due to my advocacy (as close family, I got more weight) and home circumstances, my sister ended up going away to university despite this. Now she's the happiest I've ever seen her, doing well in her classes and quite independent, which has made my mother ecstatic, to say the least. (Read A Mother's Story for more on that front.) Why did that discrepancy exist? I think what happened was that the psychologist didn't see who my sister really was - he saw the autism profile he expected to see. After all, there's only so much that you can uncover about a person in a short hour. So please remember this story if your psychologist says something similar to you; their word is not your child's destiny.
Your opinion as a caregiver:
As your child's foremost advocate, your own opinion should matter a whole lot in decisions. You should definitely listen to feedback from close family, psychologists, and teachers, but don't forget to factor your own opinion into the equation.
Often forgotten in this discussion: The weight of your child's opinion
Your child's opinion (naturally, depending on age/ability to express an opinion) should be given a great deal of weight. In the inundation of opinions, sometimes your child's can get drowned out, but their opinion really should be considered, with more weight given the older they become. Naturally, while a three year old's opinion should be taken into consideration (should they communicate or you otherwise be able to discern one you think they would express if they could), an eighteen year old's opinion should be given more weight. Between trying to figure out what your child would want, should you be able to, and balancing their desires with the advice you're getting from others, it may not always be easy to include their wishes in the decision. But it is what is right and what is easy rarely overlap, and this is another one of those cases.
Good luck!
