Pointers for Interaction
Here are a few suggestions from personal experience about how you can help when you're interacting with an autistic person. Naturally, every person on the spectrum is different, so these are simply some general tips.
1. Be clear when you're communicating with an autistic person
Using hints, tone of voice, body language and delicate ways of phrasing things are all tools that we're accustomed to using to smooth relationships and avoid conflict with others, while getting our point across. It requires a bit of reading between the lines, but it's nothing beyond the average person's skills. However, with someone on the autism spectrum, if you require reading between the lines, you may as well not be saying anything at all.
A clear statement, with no additional hedging, is what is needed to communicate well with someone on the autism spectrum. Be clear, without being mean. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself (and rephrase or explain) if need be. In addition, try to avoid figures of speech. People on the spectrum are very literal - so if you say "It's raining cats and dogs," they don't automatically think "It's raining really hard." Odds are they'd first think of actual cats and dogs raining out of the sky and maybe figure out what you mean afterwards.
2. Be understanding
Autistic people are likely to accidentally offend others on accident. That's because of difficulty understanding social norms and bluntness. Both of these can be interpreted as being mean, even though that is not the intention. Moreover, if you stew about your anger and just drop passive aggressive hints, the person on the spectrum probably won't pick up on them. That's not their fault - trouble picking up on subtle social cues is a characteristic of autism. It's up to you to be understanding about a mistake, if it occurs, and try to take it in the spirit it was intended.
3. Speak up!
Just because you're understanding doesn't mean you can't tell the person (nicely) how you feel about what they said. They can't improve a situation (and may accidentally make it worse) if they don't know it exists. Feel free to speak up and nicely, but clearly, tell them.
What not to do when speaking up:
Many people after learning about autism's social deficits choose to jump immediately into teaching others what they're doing wrong in social situations. I, too, am guilty of this. That said, first you need to make sure that person is comfortable with you helping them learn. Even after you've established that, remember that many autistic people (and people in general) may have trouble distinguishing between their actions being perceived as wrong and they themselves being perceived as bad.* So even if you do proceed, try to emphasize that the actions, rather than the person, were simply inappropriate for that situation and also say the things they're doing right in the situation.
4. Admit what you don't know
I lived with my Autistic sister for fifteen years, babysat children with autism, mentored an individual with autism, have friends on the spectrum, took classes about autism, and have read lots books on the subject and there's still a lot that I don't know about autism. I can't be expected to know everything, though, and neither can you. There's just too much to learn (and too much we don't know). What you can do, however, is make an effort. In a world where people barely know what autism is, your effort is greatly appreciated.
That said, thinking that you understand autism is a very dangerous trap indeed. For example, you may ask yourself why an autistic person wears a heavy leather jacket and boots all the time.** It looks weird that they're wearing it in 90 degree weather, and having to be warm doesn't go along with anything about autism you (or I, for that matter) have ever heard of, so there must be another reason.
In reality, though, the jacket and boots may have to do with autism-related sensory needs or another factor you haven't predicted. Because of situations like this I recommend that when it comes to symptoms related to autism, give the person you know the benefit of the doubt. Admitting when you don't know something opens you up to learn more, which is why I recommend it so much.
5. Stand up against bullying
This was already discussed to a degree in the Bullying article, but it bears emphasizing. As I'm sure you're aware, in our society the word different can be loosely translated as being bad. We target such people for bullying, as a way of "correcting" their differences. And, while it does get better, bullying is a lifelong experience that isn't limited to elementary schools - it doesn't even stop in college (or, as you may be familiar with, the workplace). It's just expressed in more socially acceptable ways.
So, if you and I were to see someone punching a guy while shouting "You retard!"**** we would look at that and know right away that was bullying (in that case, full on assault), that it was wrong, and that it should be stopped. But bullying cases are rarely that clear-cut. Ostracization and gossiping are also bullying, and more subtle forms such as these often go unchallenged. Failure to condemn bullying only encourages and feeds it. Please speak up and take a stand against bullying whenever you see it, no matter in what form.
6. Be genuine - don't condescend
There's a big difference between someone who deals with your presence (the way one tolerates a cute puppy that chews up your shoes but doesn't mean any harm), and someone who enjoys it, and it's pretty evident which is which. Be the latter, not the former.
1. Be clear when you're communicating with an autistic person
Using hints, tone of voice, body language and delicate ways of phrasing things are all tools that we're accustomed to using to smooth relationships and avoid conflict with others, while getting our point across. It requires a bit of reading between the lines, but it's nothing beyond the average person's skills. However, with someone on the autism spectrum, if you require reading between the lines, you may as well not be saying anything at all.
A clear statement, with no additional hedging, is what is needed to communicate well with someone on the autism spectrum. Be clear, without being mean. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself (and rephrase or explain) if need be. In addition, try to avoid figures of speech. People on the spectrum are very literal - so if you say "It's raining cats and dogs," they don't automatically think "It's raining really hard." Odds are they'd first think of actual cats and dogs raining out of the sky and maybe figure out what you mean afterwards.
2. Be understanding
Autistic people are likely to accidentally offend others on accident. That's because of difficulty understanding social norms and bluntness. Both of these can be interpreted as being mean, even though that is not the intention. Moreover, if you stew about your anger and just drop passive aggressive hints, the person on the spectrum probably won't pick up on them. That's not their fault - trouble picking up on subtle social cues is a characteristic of autism. It's up to you to be understanding about a mistake, if it occurs, and try to take it in the spirit it was intended.
3. Speak up!
Just because you're understanding doesn't mean you can't tell the person (nicely) how you feel about what they said. They can't improve a situation (and may accidentally make it worse) if they don't know it exists. Feel free to speak up and nicely, but clearly, tell them.
What not to do when speaking up:
Many people after learning about autism's social deficits choose to jump immediately into teaching others what they're doing wrong in social situations. I, too, am guilty of this. That said, first you need to make sure that person is comfortable with you helping them learn. Even after you've established that, remember that many autistic people (and people in general) may have trouble distinguishing between their actions being perceived as wrong and they themselves being perceived as bad.* So even if you do proceed, try to emphasize that the actions, rather than the person, were simply inappropriate for that situation and also say the things they're doing right in the situation.
4. Admit what you don't know
I lived with my Autistic sister for fifteen years, babysat children with autism, mentored an individual with autism, have friends on the spectrum, took classes about autism, and have read lots books on the subject and there's still a lot that I don't know about autism. I can't be expected to know everything, though, and neither can you. There's just too much to learn (and too much we don't know). What you can do, however, is make an effort. In a world where people barely know what autism is, your effort is greatly appreciated.
That said, thinking that you understand autism is a very dangerous trap indeed. For example, you may ask yourself why an autistic person wears a heavy leather jacket and boots all the time.** It looks weird that they're wearing it in 90 degree weather, and having to be warm doesn't go along with anything about autism you (or I, for that matter) have ever heard of, so there must be another reason.
In reality, though, the jacket and boots may have to do with autism-related sensory needs or another factor you haven't predicted. Because of situations like this I recommend that when it comes to symptoms related to autism, give the person you know the benefit of the doubt. Admitting when you don't know something opens you up to learn more, which is why I recommend it so much.
5. Stand up against bullying
This was already discussed to a degree in the Bullying article, but it bears emphasizing. As I'm sure you're aware, in our society the word different can be loosely translated as being bad. We target such people for bullying, as a way of "correcting" their differences. And, while it does get better, bullying is a lifelong experience that isn't limited to elementary schools - it doesn't even stop in college (or, as you may be familiar with, the workplace). It's just expressed in more socially acceptable ways.
So, if you and I were to see someone punching a guy while shouting "You retard!"**** we would look at that and know right away that was bullying (in that case, full on assault), that it was wrong, and that it should be stopped. But bullying cases are rarely that clear-cut. Ostracization and gossiping are also bullying, and more subtle forms such as these often go unchallenged. Failure to condemn bullying only encourages and feeds it. Please speak up and take a stand against bullying whenever you see it, no matter in what form.
6. Be genuine - don't condescend
There's a big difference between someone who deals with your presence (the way one tolerates a cute puppy that chews up your shoes but doesn't mean any harm), and someone who enjoys it, and it's pretty evident which is which. Be the latter, not the former.
How to Refer to Someone on The Spectrum: The Debate
What words should you use to refer to a person on the spectrum? It may seem trivial, but there are actually many different conventions out there, each with some degree of controversy.
1. Person with Autism
Used by many, this way of phrasing is promoted by supporters of people first language, which advocates focusing on the person first and the condition second. This isn't limited to autism and applies to many different conditions, such as "person in a wheelchair" vs "wheelchair-bound person," "person with asthma" vs "asthmatic," etc. The idea behind people first is that the person is not defined by their condition, so the person should be addressed first, and the condition listed second. In the case of autism, this would mean saying "person with autism" instead of "autistic person."
2. Autistic Person
While people-first makes a compelling argument, many people on the spectrum prefer the title autistic. These people generally see their autism as being intrinsic to who they are, as opposed to cases such as paralysis and asthma where the intrinsic being of the person isn't as impacted by the condition. In the case of these intrinsic characteristics, you would put the characteristic first then the person. For example, "an introverted person" as opposed to "a person with introversion," "a shy person" vs "a person with shyness," "a female person" vs "a person with femaleness," etc. So in the case of a person on the spectrum, according to this naming convention you'd say "He/She is autistic."
3. Person with ASD or ASC
ASD, or autism spectrum disorder, and ASC, or autism spectrum condition, are abbreviations. They follow people-first (don't meet the criteria set out in #2), and are short ways of referring to autism and acknowledging that it's a spectrum. Some people prefer to refer to their autism as a condition, rather than a disorder, thus the difference between ASD and ASC.
4. Disabled
This isn't fully agreed upon - some people on the spectrum consider themselves disabled, others consider themselves differently abled, and some wouldn't even think the issue was up for consideration - but even among those who think of their autism as a disability, many if not most would not appreciate being referred to that way. I would suggest avoiding this label if possible because of the negative messages it can send.
5. Aspie/Asper/Aspergian/Autie
This is more for within the autism community. You can refer to others this way, but those who don't know this lingo (and they are many) may be confused, so I'd recommend avoiding it unless you hear someone else use it first.
6. On the Spectrum
This is what I would consider the safest way to refer to someone. Not only have I never heard of anyone getting upset about this, but it also acknowledges the diversity of autism. An example would be "My son's on the spectrum."
I use the term autistic person or person on the spectrum, since my sister has told me that she prefers identity first speech. That said, choosing which naming convention to use is a very personal decision, so whenever possible, ask the person themselves what they prefer and use "on the spectrum" if you're unsure.
1. Person with Autism
Used by many, this way of phrasing is promoted by supporters of people first language, which advocates focusing on the person first and the condition second. This isn't limited to autism and applies to many different conditions, such as "person in a wheelchair" vs "wheelchair-bound person," "person with asthma" vs "asthmatic," etc. The idea behind people first is that the person is not defined by their condition, so the person should be addressed first, and the condition listed second. In the case of autism, this would mean saying "person with autism" instead of "autistic person."
2. Autistic Person
While people-first makes a compelling argument, many people on the spectrum prefer the title autistic. These people generally see their autism as being intrinsic to who they are, as opposed to cases such as paralysis and asthma where the intrinsic being of the person isn't as impacted by the condition. In the case of these intrinsic characteristics, you would put the characteristic first then the person. For example, "an introverted person" as opposed to "a person with introversion," "a shy person" vs "a person with shyness," "a female person" vs "a person with femaleness," etc. So in the case of a person on the spectrum, according to this naming convention you'd say "He/She is autistic."
3. Person with ASD or ASC
ASD, or autism spectrum disorder, and ASC, or autism spectrum condition, are abbreviations. They follow people-first (don't meet the criteria set out in #2), and are short ways of referring to autism and acknowledging that it's a spectrum. Some people prefer to refer to their autism as a condition, rather than a disorder, thus the difference between ASD and ASC.
4. Disabled
This isn't fully agreed upon - some people on the spectrum consider themselves disabled, others consider themselves differently abled, and some wouldn't even think the issue was up for consideration - but even among those who think of their autism as a disability, many if not most would not appreciate being referred to that way. I would suggest avoiding this label if possible because of the negative messages it can send.
5. Aspie/Asper/Aspergian/Autie
This is more for within the autism community. You can refer to others this way, but those who don't know this lingo (and they are many) may be confused, so I'd recommend avoiding it unless you hear someone else use it first.
6. On the Spectrum
This is what I would consider the safest way to refer to someone. Not only have I never heard of anyone getting upset about this, but it also acknowledges the diversity of autism. An example would be "My son's on the spectrum."
I use the term autistic person or person on the spectrum, since my sister has told me that she prefers identity first speech. That said, choosing which naming convention to use is a very personal decision, so whenever possible, ask the person themselves what they prefer and use "on the spectrum" if you're unsure.
* I realized this was an issue after reading The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Sean Barron and Temple Grandin.
**I got the idea for this example from Songs of the Gorilla Nation: My Journey Through Autism by Dawn Prince-Hughes. Another great book that I highly recommend.
***Before you ask, yes, I did get my sister's permission to publish this and every other reference to her in the website.
****I don't approve of the r-word, I only used it for this example to show a situation that we clearly know is wrong. If you haven't eliminated that word from your vocabulary, though, I highly recommend doing so - it's offensive and hurtful to many people. So instead of saying "That's so retarded," try saying "That's so ridiculous." That's what you're truly trying to say, anyways, and you won't risk hurting anyone with that particular word.
**I got the idea for this example from Songs of the Gorilla Nation: My Journey Through Autism by Dawn Prince-Hughes. Another great book that I highly recommend.
***Before you ask, yes, I did get my sister's permission to publish this and every other reference to her in the website.
****I don't approve of the r-word, I only used it for this example to show a situation that we clearly know is wrong. If you haven't eliminated that word from your vocabulary, though, I highly recommend doing so - it's offensive and hurtful to many people. So instead of saying "That's so retarded," try saying "That's so ridiculous." That's what you're truly trying to say, anyways, and you won't risk hurting anyone with that particular word.
