Search the site...

Autism Spectrum Explained
  • Home
  • Introduction to Autism
    • Characteristics
    • Common Myths >
      • Negative Narrative >
        • Autism Controversies
  • How to Interact
    • Stigma & Discrimination
    • What to Avoid
  • Advice for Parents
    • Visual Supports
    • Autism Treatments
    • Explaining Autism to Kids
    • A Mother's Story
    • My Sibling Perspective
    • Autism Explained for Kids Site
  • All Kinds of Minds
    • Culture of Autism
    • Late Diagnosis
  • More
    • How to Assess Claims
    • What Causes Autism?
    • Additional Resources
    • Site Info & Feedback >
      • About the Website
      • ASE FAQ
      • Survey
      • Contact Us
      • Make a Submission
  • Our Blog
    • On Self-Advocacy
    • Trouble with Changes
    • Smoothing Transitions
    • Autism Speaks
    • Vaccines
    • Infantilization
    • Her Autism is Worsening
    • Stimming
  • Autism Tutoring
  • Home
  • Introduction to Autism
    • Characteristics
    • Common Myths >
      • Negative Narrative >
        • Autism Controversies
  • How to Interact
    • Stigma & Discrimination
    • What to Avoid
  • Advice for Parents
    • Visual Supports
    • Autism Treatments
    • Explaining Autism to Kids
    • A Mother's Story
    • My Sibling Perspective
    • Autism Explained for Kids Site
  • All Kinds of Minds
    • Culture of Autism
    • Late Diagnosis
  • More
    • How to Assess Claims
    • What Causes Autism?
    • Additional Resources
    • Site Info & Feedback >
      • About the Website
      • ASE FAQ
      • Survey
      • Contact Us
      • Make a Submission
  • Our Blog
    • On Self-Advocacy
    • Trouble with Changes
    • Smoothing Transitions
    • Autism Speaks
    • Vaccines
    • Infantilization
    • Her Autism is Worsening
    • Stimming
  • Autism Tutoring

I Cannot Call My Sister Cute: Autism and Infantilization

2/28/2014

5 Comments

 
Picture
I cannot call my sister cute. That’s not because she never does anything cute. In fact, when she wears her frog beanie or hugs her plush dinosaur – things that would make even Voldemort look adorable – sometimes I slip up and I tell her, Caley you look so cute!

And she flinches, as though I’d just mortally insulted her. And in Caley’s world, the world of people with autism, I have. Because words are weapons, and even the sweetest sounding ones can cut, can be used to demean and diminish those they target. Cute is one of the words that you’d never think of as offensive, but Caley would rather I used any other four letter word around her…any one but that one.

Let me show you what I mean. Before Caley came to college, I let her stay in my dorm room for a while to dip her toes into the college experience. While she was staying with me, an acquaintance came by and spotted Caley. People can generally tell that something's ‘different’ about Caley, and often guess it has something to do with a disability, although they can't quite put their finger on what that disability is. This acquaintance was apparently one of these people and when she determined Caley was ‘different’ she adapted her own demeanor towards Caley accordingly.

When she finally left the room, I was left with a very odd sensation. Something felt very wrong and weird about the interaction I'd just seen, but I couldn't quite label what it was. After a lifetime of defending Caley from peers who meant her harm, verbally or otherwise, I’d gotten pretty good at determining subtle undertones of anger, taunting, and verbal barbs. But try as I might, I couldn’t find a single instance of any of those in her visit. In fact, my acquaintance had been very nice – even saccharinely so – to Caley. Why, then, was I left with a bad taste in my mouth? Finally, I figured it out.

My acquaintance had treated Caley like she was a small child. As soon as she’d gathered enough data to dump Caley into her mental ‘disabled’ category, my acquaintance had immediately switched to baby speech. She’d spoken very slowly, exaggerating every word, dumbed down her vocabulary, and reacted with over-acted enthusiasm to every phrase that came out of Caley's mouth. At one point, she literally patted Caley on the head. And, what's more, every few sentences or so, my acquaintance would look up at me with a bright smile and utter that damning phrase, "Your sister's so cute!"

Despite knowing that Caley was going to be coming to the Honors college next year, and therefore quite smart, upon sensing that vague feeling of disability she'd immediately down-graded her view of Caley's intelligence and maturity all the way down to that of a 5 year old. And in this instance, as in many, this ableist-fueled demotion was encapsulated by one word: “cute.”

This is but one example of a deluge of such well-intended but nonetheless offensive occurrences that Caley has dealt with her entire life. Classmates, teachers, relatives, random passers-by in the grocery store, one of the first things they exclaim when they meet her is “You’re so cute!” (or worse, they’ll judge her as not competent enough to interact with them and turn to our mother or myself instead and tell us how cute Caley is).

Cute is a dirty word in our family. But it doesn’t have to be. You see, the only things that make that word as negative as it is the fact that it reflects a broader societal narrative. And that narrative is that people who are disabled, whether due to autism or otherwise, are inherently not competent. If you change the narrative, you change the connotation of the word and all of a sudden I can tell my sister that she really does look cute in that frog beanie without making an implication about her competence. 

I guess what I’m saying is, when we meet someone with a disability, we all need to presume competence. I’m not saying we shouldn’t give accommodations when they’re needed. We should. But when it comes to interacting with people with disabilities, we should judge based on the person in front of us instead of based on stereotypes, talk to the person instead of about them, and address them with the respect that someone their age – or even better, any human being – deserves. 

Caley’s got a sticker stuck to the door of her bedroom which reads, “When you see, meet, or think about a person with a disability, PRESUME COMPETENCE.” She told me that she put it there as a reminder to herself that she is a competent human being, despite the narrative that tells her otherwise, but let it be a reminder to all of us now.

When you meet someone with a disability, presume competence.

#presumecompetence #differentnotless

5 Comments
sara willig
3/18/2015 10:46:43 am

Thank you for understanding that you are not a professional and not an expert in Autism. That it takes one to be one.

The wisdom you show is rare and precious.

Reply
Nelson Rosholt
4/25/2015 09:03:26 am

Was that supposed to be sarcasm? Sorry if my detector is broken.

Reply
Creigh
6/4/2015 06:37:04 am

I didn't think it was sarcasm, considering that mistakenly thinking of oneself as an expert in autism is a real problem. I am, of course, assuming that your comment itself was not sarcastic, haha.

Alison Loughlin
2/28/2016 06:17:22 pm

Calling someone cute like that is condescending - If someone did that to me, I'd flip them the bird.

Reply
Iowa Spankees link
12/11/2022 12:47:14 am

This is awessome

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    About Creigh

    I'm a college student who grew up with my Autistic younger sister, Caley. I've got a bachelor's degree in Psychology and I'm currently studying for my Master's in Speech Language Pathology.

    Neither of those, however, have given me an understanding of autism. All of my understanding comes from learning from the many autistic people that I know. As a result, I have a very different outlook on autism than most, and a burning desire to tell the world what I've learned. This blog is one of the many areas in which I attempt to do that.


    *Note, none of these make me a professional, so advice I give is not professional advice.

    Top Posts

    On Self-Advocacy
    Difficulty with Changes 
    On Parental Guilt
    Transition Time!
    My Autism Speaks Story
    A Tale of Two Sensitivities
    Autism and Haircuts
    Cause of Autism
    Vaccines and Autism
    Happiness's Variations
    I Cannot Call Caley Cute
    The Power of Listening
    Her Autism is Worse
    On Preventing Bullying
    Autistic Parenthood
    Facing Discrimination
    Stimming's Function
    On Anxiety

    Categories

    All
    Acceptance
    Accommodations
    Awareness
    Caley's Posts
    Cause Of Autism
    Change
    Controversies
    Creigh's Updates
    Different Not Less
    Empathy
    Kindness
    Listening
    Meltdowns
    Myths
    Parenting
    Presume Competence
    Reader Q&A
    Science
    Self Advocacy
    Stigma / Discrimination
    Stimming
    Understanding
    Word Choice

    RSS Feed

    Blog Info

    Starting about in March 2014, all of these posts are originally published on Autism Spectrum Explained's Facebook page, and later reposted here for archiving purposes and easy access for ASE readers, including those who don't use Facebook. 

    Archives

    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    February 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    August 2013

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from madmiked, Jim Larrison, Purple Sherbet Photography