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On the Stigma Autistic Parents Face: Caley's Experiences

6/23/2014

10 Comments

 
Many of you, reading this title, may think I’m going to write about the stigma that parents of autistic children face. While this is definitely material for a great many posts on its own, the population I’m writing about is the opposite side of the coin, who go unspoken of; Autistic people who want to have children in the future. You may think I don’t have enough material to write about this. After all, I’m not Autistic and Caley’s not a mother. I really, really wish you were right.

The not so subtle hinting started, I think, when Caley was in middle school and discovered how adorable babies were. She’d coo at them and play with them and openly admire them. She even declared that she wanted her own someday*. That’s where the ‘nudges’ began. First it was warnings. “You know, babies are a lot of work.” Then it came out into the open. In the years to follow, pretty much any time she expressed liking a baby, Caley was reminded repeatedly that because she was Autistic she shouldn’t have children. Why? Well, she wasn’t competent enough, they said. And besides, Autistic people are well known to have fill-in-the-blank problem(s) which would make it so she couldn’t handle having a child, they said.

Suddenly, Caley stopped liking babies. In fact, she started acting like she wanted nothing to do with them and saying that she hated them. What had happened, my mother and I wondered, to cause such a dramatic turnabout? Now, all these many years later, she told me. Since she was told she couldn’t have babies, Caley says she decided to try to convince herself that she didn’t like them, to reduce the pain. This period lasted for years – all the way until this past year, in fact.

What changed? Well, in this past year, Caley has come into her own and has finally told us her dream, which despite the work of those many years of denial, never died. She wants to have children. Not now, of course. She wants to graduate, get married, and become financially stable first. But she definitely wants them. And now that the family understands autism a bit better, most members support her.

Society, however, still does not. And so it was that Caley called me in tears four months ago. She’d stumbled upon a post online where the person was arguing that Autistic people would be terrible parents. The full post tried to rationalize why autistic people shouldn’t be parents, through “logic.” I think the first sentence of the post – “I am not saying you would be an unacceptable mother and compared to having no mother or having a violent mother a mother who simply does not care about their kids I think a loving, autistic mother is a good alternative.” – kind of says everything. Maybe if she hadn’t been told growing up that being Autistic would make her an incompetent mother, this wouldn’t have hurt so much. After all, this is the Internet and people make highly offensive claims about subjects they know nothing about all the time.

But to someone who grew up exposed to the narrative Caley did, this hit home. So instead of brushing the author off as a troll or typing out an angry reply, she turned their words inward. “Is it true? Would I really be a bad mother?” she asked me, voice trembling. “Because if I would then I need to know so I don’t have children.” We were spiraling downward, and Caley was right back on the path she’d trodden for so many years, the one where she was going to try to convince herself, again, that she didn’t actually want or even like babies. Far better to believe a lie than to feel the pain of reality.
“No, babe,” I told her. “This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” And then I proceeded to rip the poster’s “argument” apart and show it for the farce it was. “Oh, good,” she said. “But why was he so mean?” The answer to that, of course, is ableism. 

The commenter wasn't trying to be mean, of course. He thought that was a perfectly rational and acceptable argument, and presented it in a very logical manner, citing the damning “facts” that autistic parents can’t tell the difference between tones so they won’t know why a baby is crying, or when their teenage children tell them their day at school was “Fine” autistic parents won’t be able to read their tone and tell how it was. (If this disqualified one from parenthood, there would be a great many fewer parents in the world…)

The people who told Caley she shouldn’t have babies didn’t realize it, either. They were just following common sense. Everyone knows autistic people shouldn’t have children (it will never fail to surprise me how many of the things “everyone knows” are patently false). Caley is Autistic, and therefore, following their logic, she should not have children. To remind her of this fact was difficult for them to do, but it was their duty to do so and it was all for the best. Or so they thought.

What these people don’t realize, however, is that there are plenty of autistic mothers and fathers all over the world. In fact, that seems to be one of the greatest routes through which autistic adults are diagnosed – their children are found to be autistic, and the parents realize, in turn, that they are, too. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, great-grandparents, autistic people have filled all these roles, and done quite a good job of it, too.

When ableism really sneaks up on you is when you don’t even realize it’s there. It oils its way in under the guise of ‘common knowledge’ and its claims are never questioned. But, once you realize its presence, its foolishness becomes apparent and you can fight back against it. And that's exactly what most of the people who once warned Caley she shouldn't have children have done, now that the ableism involved has been made clear to them. But they had to have it pointed out to them first.

That is why I write this post. To show it to you. To warn those of you who are parents of autistic children to make sure you don’t accidentally reflect this attitude or allow others to reflect this attitude onto your children. (Because it starts young.) To show those of you broader members of society that this outlook really is a problem, so that you, too, can combat it where you see it.

For my part, all I can say is this. If and when Caley decides to have a child, or even multiple children, I will be right behind her supporting her. And those children will be some of the luckiest children in the world to have Caley as their mother.

-Creigh

*Though I focused this post on the Autistic experience, about the same time that Caley was warned about her love for babies, to highlight the plight of siblings, I would like to add that I was warned, too. As a sibling of an Autistic person, I am more likely to have an Autistic child, I was cautioned. I should strongly weigh this when I was deciding whether or not to have a child, and I needed to warn my future husband of this possibility and “be prepared for the worst”. Though my competence was never questioned, there was definite hinting that I may wish to consider not having children. 

For years afterwards, I worried about this, and though I never went quite so far as Caley did, I thought that if I ever got married, I would have to marry someone who was okay with adopting, because having children who shared my genetic material was too risky. If someone tells you the same thing enough times, particularly when you’re as young as I was, you’ll believe them. Now that I’m older, funnily enough, I still think that if I have children (that is a big if, mind you) I’m going to want to adopt. The difference, however, is that now I would purposefully want to adopt an autistic child. It's ironic that the very thing I was warned to fear is now the very thing I would seek out.

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10 Comments
Ettina link
6/22/2016 09:55:53 am

I wasn't diagnosed until 15, and already deep in the neurodiversity movement, but this hit me too. I could see the 'you might have an autistic child' thing as ableism, and I'd actually prefer an autistic child, but for awhile I was trying to convince myself that I'd be OK with being an awesome aunt instead of a mother. And I also felt like I had to adopt an unwanted child because wanting to have a baby that I carried myself, as an asexual autistic single mother, would be selfish when there's so many unwanted children needing homes. (Why don't people accuse nondisabled heterosexual couples with normal fertility of being selfish for not adopting?)
I might adopt, but I've realized I really want to do sperm donation first. I want to be pregnant and breastfeed, and I want my kid to have my quirks. And I'm leery of the home study process, so I want to feel more confident in my ability as a parent before I go through with it.

Reply
susana
10/21/2017 09:25:28 pm

Just what I was thinkig. I'm 23, still undiagnosed. and even years ago I've thiught of adoption, o f childs with special needs. someone who is unloved. I also though that I will give birth to a disable child and I wanted it. I mean, apart from adoption I want my own kids, pregnancy and breastfeeding. but if a child has to be born with diasbility, why do they have to be born in a family who will give them up for adoption or will not receive them well? I wiill. i want nmy children and also to adopt more. but like the girl commented above, I've though of the dangers of having a child with my same disabilities, not much because I wouldnt know what to do such as feeding orelse? but ii orefer them autistic and introvert rather than more open and social and asking me things i couldnt answer. vPlus my anxiety. As a child, I loved childrn, but then i took my first job a teacher and realize how difficult it is, and Im scare. and I have a lot of personal problems and im currently suffering from severe anxiety, so I just do not want kids now. the future scares me,. I actually would love to have children and adopt as i previously said, but im a little scare of how it will actually go because right now i cant take care of my life and just taking care of my brother and nephew seems very tirying. having responsabilities iver someone else is tyirying...

Reply
Autistic Parent
4/24/2017 07:08:01 am

For a classic example of exactly the type of discrimination you describe against an autistic mother, please see this petition: https://www.change.org/p/edward-timpson-mp-make-brighton-hove-city-council-cease-unlawful-section-47-ss-investigations?source_location=minibar

Reply
susana
10/21/2017 09:28:52 pm

ohh, and i wanted to say. can autistics adopt? I meanm i was searching about it, people with disability adopting, but mostly its physical disabilities. then, if in genereal people think autistics cshouldnt have children (they cant stop you to have your own , whether they like it or not), then no adoptive agency will accept an autistic parents to adopt. what are the posibilities to achieve it?

Reply
Brian
12/19/2017 08:06:04 pm

You've got it right, I found out about my own ASD when searching for answers about my own daughter. The bottom line is I'm a great Dad, and I can connect with my kid in ways that NT's can't concieve of. The fact that Caley is so aware of what is going on says to me that she's going to be a great Mom when she's ready. Don't let anyone get away with saying otherwise.

Reply
John
8/2/2018 08:57:22 am

It's insane how they think we shouldn't raise offspring, when they're the ones popping kids out by accident like animals, for no reason other than to look the part in front of their tribe, and then failing to raise them properly. I hope I'm still alive to watch them go extinct.

Reply
Emma Cat link
12/23/2019 12:50:15 pm

Or, you have some neurotypical people who pop out kids and just throw them away. Those same people then turn around and tell us autistic people who plan, do research, get married/get in a stable and healthy relationship first, take classes, and make sure we have stable jobs and a stable home that we should not have children. They say, "oh, you shouldn't breed. You'll pass on your autism!"; or, "oh, you shouldn't adopt, you'll confuse or damage them!". The hypocrisy is so frustrating.

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Big Ohio link
3/26/2021 01:40:28 am

Good blogg post

Reply
Connect2Care link
5/3/2022 07:18:56 pm

Nice content and informative that every parents can refer through it.

Reply
find a psychologist in hurstville link
11/14/2024 07:47:09 am

Its just incredible what you can remove from anything as a result of how visually beautiful it’s.

Reply



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    About Creigh

    I'm a college student who grew up with my Autistic younger sister, Caley. I've got a bachelor's degree in Psychology and I'm currently studying for my Master's in Speech Language Pathology.

    Neither of those, however, have given me an understanding of autism. All of my understanding comes from learning from the many autistic people that I know. As a result, I have a very different outlook on autism than most, and a burning desire to tell the world what I've learned. This blog is one of the many areas in which I attempt to do that.


    *Note, none of these make me a professional, so advice I give is not professional advice.

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